Dear Friends: First, there was The Apprentice...
Then, there was Celebrity Apprentice...
And now... Politician Apprentice!
(Coming soon, to a screen near you)
It's a launch.
So here we go, my Dear Friends, because if you're reading this, then yes, Donald J. Trump has been sworn in as 45th President of these United States of America, and apparently, the world has not blown up. Yet. But give him some time. He's definitely on the job. Seriously. After all, his entire goal, dare to say, his entire con was: become really rich, and famous, and sleep with some of the most beautiful women in the world, and even marry some, and raise a beautiful and successful family, who've also started or will soon start their own beautiful and successful families (the entire world is keeping an eye on you, Tiffany; so pretty, so smart, so the black sheep (not that there's anything wrong with that)) and, he's gonna take it all, everything he's worked so hard for, with panache and pizzazz and the occasional money-grab (money-grab), and he's gonna blow it all up?
But, I think not.
And with that being said, or written, or ignored, I cordially invite you all, my all-mighty and always-listening (and never-responding) reluctant audience, to join your humble commentator in the final itineration (big word alert; google it) of the first phase of the last phase of 'The Inquiry into The Philosophy of Humor: A Critique', as I chronicle the first 100 days of The Donald J. Trump Apocalypse, along with the usual diversions into eternally long-winded tangents, and circle-logics, and pretzel-haikus, and puns (of course), and cliches (reluctantly), and fulminations, diatribes, philippics, raspberries, animadversions, bullyrags, readings of the riot act, middle-finger flag downs, scoffings, slanders, calumnies, and licks with the rough side of the tongue1, all with my absolute and utmost respect, and, the sometimes and occasionally (and likely to be accidentally) funny line, now and forever to be known as...
The Fine Line.
1O'Rourke, P.J. "Yes, I'm not related to Bill O'Reilly." (The Atlantic Monthly Press; 1995)
(Dear Friends: If you haven't seen footage of Madonna and/or Ms. Judd's March on D.C. speeches, you-tube it; further, this post would've appeared in a more timely fashion, but for minor technological difficulties; basically, I'm a technological dummy.)
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome one and all to the magnificent Trump D.C. Hotel, Resort and Casino, Inc., where for one night and one night only (and maybe tomorrow night, depending on ratings), a spectacular battle of the sexes for the middle ages! (And mostly, for the middle-age-ed.)
And now, in the rrrrrrred corner, weighing in as the #1 top dog, and with a huge reach advantage, and a killer tan, we have the one, the only, President Donald J. Trump!, and in the boo-hoo blue corner, we have Madonna!, and in the off her rocker corner, we have... Ashley Judd? Look, Ms. Former America's Sweetheart: Were you kidding us? What the bleep was that1? At its core, probably an audition for a remake of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"2, with The Donald as Nurse Ratched, Ashley Judd as McMurphy, and as The Chief, Ashley Judd, and as the character played by Danny DeVito (Martini), Ashley Judd, and as the character played by Christopher Lloyd (Taber, probably McMurphy's bull-goose looney understudy, before he became Doc Brown), Ashley Judd, and as stuttering Billy Bibbit (a virtuoso performance of a lifetime, except Brad Dourif went full stutter; you never go full stutter3), Ashley Judd, and who knew anybody could make Madonna look so much less-looney? (Other than Sean Penn.)
Yes, that would be Ashley Judd. (Despite the fact that Madonna fantasizes about blowing up the White House, which is so coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, it's to be ignored by all, except the Secret Service.)
No matter, ladies and gents, because, and I'll roll it as best I can...
Let's... Get... Ready... To... (cue the Buffer)...
(JFW -- you and I probably agree that both Madonna and Ashley McMurphy are either looking to resurrect over-the-hill singing careers, flailing movie careers, or sleep with George Soros. Of course, George isn't having any of that kung pao! He thinks he's George Clooney.)
And there's that word looney again. By the way, did any of you see "Money Monster"? Spoiler alert: Don't bother.
1Apparently, Ms. Judd was only reciting a high-school student's poem. Note to the poet: work on the metaphors. Comparing Trump to Hitler is so cliche.
2If you haven't seen it, see it. A great novel made into an arguably better movie, an arguably rare occurrence.
3Jr., Downey, Robert: as Kirk Lazarus in "Tropic Thunder." (DreamWorks; 2008)
Dear Friends: How about them Philadelphia 76ers!
Somehow, they're playing phenomenal basketball and managing to become overachievingly (a big pseudo-word) relevant -- how so? They've actually been flexed into a nationally televised prime-time game, tonight, against those Houston Rockets and the indomitable James Harden, he of the "not everybody can grow it like that" beard, and that killer game, which may actually be the result of said Sampson-like beard (gotta love the beard!) -- and how sweet it is to be relevant again.
And so, with a one, and a two, and a three cheer Philly Hooray: How about that Joel Embiid!
What a player. What a character. What a shame he didn't make the all-star team so he could finally get that date with Rihanna. (Ah, the beautiful Rihanna. What a talent. What a character. What a shame she doesn't just agree to go out with him on merit alone.) And by merit, folks, I ain't talkin about the fact that he's a highly paid and becoming-more-famous-by-the-game professional basketball player (ugh, what a rich and famous cliche that is); rather, his merits are that he's a good-lookin dude (yes, that sounds shallow; but like it or not, looks matter in life, and anybody that tells you otherwise is full of bleep, good looking or not), with a stellar personality (a note on that: is there anything more charismatically infectious than a player who makes everybody around him better, both as players and as people, who's willing to take the last shot, or make the last block, or grab the last rebound in the clutch, who celebrates his teammates and coaches more than he celebrates himself, and brings the kind of youthful exuberance that simply lifts all those around him, be it players, coaches, and most important, the fans? (To wit: see Wentz, Carson; he's the same deal, if maybe not quite as good looking, given the red hair and beard combo (not a good look; by hey, he's a dude, so who gives a bleep), and the totally dorky countenance (photographic memory, anyone?), although some women are totally into that, given that he's also rich and famous... and, I digress into ugh-ly (and this time shallow) cliches, and this time with a pun!), and I bet Embiid's the kind of guy who picks up the tab everywhere he goes (just a hunch) and does it all with that big ole smile that says: it's good to be Joel Embiid!
And Joel, we love ya for it.
(And with all due credit to Sam Hinkie, architect of The Process, in which we trust, and although Sam's gone from our sports-scene, he'll never be forgotten), and coach Brett Brown, who's brought the San Antonio Spurs' team-first attitude to a sport that needs more of it, and point guard T.J. McConnell -- what a surprise that guy's been; the offense that runs through him put up a whopping 72 points in the first half on Wednesday night, impressive by any standard.)
Cuz oh yeah!, Philly fans will take players like that all, day, long. Why? Because although we value talent, and character, and winning (although it's been a while on that count, but, we're all hoping for the roaring twenties (an acceptable cliche, I guess), where all five of our major sports teams (yes, that includes soccer, you sports neanderthals) are not only good, but great, and bring us many championships), and as much as we value the dream1 as much as the reality, we value winning the right way, with grace, and hard work, and that never-say-die blue-collar ethic that makes the City of Brotherly Love the best sports-city2 in the entire country, and the entire world, bar none.
And, we make a damn good cheesesteak.
1Yes, CPT, that's a reference to the infamous dream-team espoused by the infamous Vince Young, he of the infamous looney-ness (another pseudo-word, but more than apt.)
2By any measure, a great sports-city requires the presence of a great sports bar, and Philly's got one rated amongst the best, and probably is the best (in my highly biased opinion) -- Chickie's and Pete's -- and if you visit, have the crab (it's all about the crab), and also have the crab-fries, and for your gourmands out there, you gotta have the lobster pizza. It's to live for.
Dear Friends: It's an upside-down world we live in. The news is fake, the facts are alternative, and Orwell is definitely rolling in his grave. (And, it's probably a joint he's rolling.) And, of course, The Donald is the POTUS.
Yes, it's 10 days into the Trump Presidency, which is 10% of the first 100 days of his presidency, which is somehow the bellwether for any presidency, for those of you counting, which is sorta weird given how we probably want any leader of the free world to be patient, and measured, and even-handed in the face of this world of adversity we all find ourselves in, thanks to Bush1.
"We don't need no education." -Pink Floyd
"We don't need no stinkin badges!" -Anonymous
Sanctuary cities, your time is up. And further, Kate's Law will pass. And if California wants to secede, please do it sooner than later. (Then our fair country can get back all those popular votes you wasted.) But, just so you know, there will be a wall. From the Arizona border to the Nevada border to the Oregon border. And, you will pay for it. But no worries, dudes, you can probably fund it with all that high-grade recreationally-medicinal marijuana you'll be selling us. And naturally, there will be an import tax. Like 50%. So think twice.
"Mister Gorbachev, tear down that wall." -Ronald Reagan
"Mister Pena Nieto, build that wall!" -Donald J. Trump
So here's the abbreviated twitter-war:
@POTUS: You'll build it, and pay for it, and I'm charging 20% on imports, plus the usual vig, and that's a bargain, hefe, or I'll cancel on you! #upyours
@Pena Nieto: I don't think so, hefe. You don't cancel on me, I cancel on you. #youhavesmallhands
@POTUS: No way, Jose! #they'reaveragehands
@Pena Nieto: Did you just call me Jose? I'm canceling. #whatadouche
@POTUS: You'll come crawling back. But tell you what, once the wall's finished, you can stamp Made in Mexico on it! #whatadoubledouche
@Pena Nieto: Really? Deal. #maybenotadouche
@POTUS: But the stamp has to be made in the U.S.A! #whatadouche
"We're all out."2 -Theresa May (in a historically short bill submitted to Parliament regarding her Brexit strategy)
"You can't come in!" -Donald J. Trump (in a historically short tweet regarding his ban on entry from seven countries supporting radical Islamic terrorism)
And when you think about it, they're both saying the exact same thing.
1As said, over and over and over again, by Barrack H. Obama, et.al.
2Abridged from her 132-word short and sweet F.U. to the E.U.
Dear Friends: Punxsutawney Phil has spoken, and it's gonna be another six weeks of weather. Or maybe it's six months of weather. Phil didn't really say. Phil's a groundhog. Phil can't talk.
But don't tell that to the PETA people. Oh yeah. You know em. And you love em. Or maybe you hate em. But they definitely hate us, because we're people. And they don't give a flying bleep about it. And as long as it needs to bleep to survive, it's game. (A note on that: they (the PETA people) don't pay much attention to threatened or endangered species anymore; word got back to em a while ago, through their animal-translator, an ape named Cesar (no relation), that certain species are going extinct just to escape PETA.)
(And, we all gotta question the wisdom of paying attention to any species that hunkers down under a tree all winter long, then pops up for a quick walk, and if it sees its shadow, we're supposed to cheer it on (one way or the other) for running back down its groundhog's hole? Once, just once, we'd all like to see it run down a rabbit's hole. (Of course, it probably once did, which is why it now runs from its shadow. But don't tell it that. Or the PETA people.))
But hey, let's love em, even if they hate us. Personally, I just wish they'd leave the cows alone. What'd they ever do to you, except make a tasty burger and tastier steak. But go ahead, PETA. Eat all the chikin you want. Cluck cluck.
And the movie "Groundhog Day" is pure genius.1
Long live Bill Murray, the funniest man alive.
Longer live Harold Ramis. We miss you.
1Of course, the first time I saw it, in the theater, I thought: that sucked.2 (But I'm no genius; and, many people had the same initial reaction, most of whom were probably PETA people.)
2You have to see it, then see it again, and again, and again and again and again, until you see it.3
3Harold Ramis was a genius.
Dear Friends: Call it deja vu. Or, if you're a non-tweeting populist blue-collar football fan, call it groundhog day. But it seems that every bleeping February, Tom Brady (and that pesky Belicheck-led Patriots team) wins another bleeping Super Bowl. And this time, in legendary (and over-the-top) comeback fashion. And this from a dude who wears Uggs. Voluntarily. (Really, Tom? Come on, man. There's whipped, and then there's Ugg-whipped.)
And, in a love-to-hate-em Mad Libs moment, fill in the blank(s): Tom Brady is a _____________, or, he's a ______________ _______________!
(And, a quick side-note: I was reading a newspaper article recently, on actual news-paper, and was struck by the commentary of an old-school journalist who described the old-school method of using a folded piece of plain-white paper, folded in a special way, for note-taking. Try it. It works. Unless you're some sorta paper-vegan.)
As such, I present you with a personal best-of top-ten list: The All-Time Greatest Athletes: Ever.1
- Muhammad Ali. Argue all you want, but he was the greatest athlete ever. Even he thought so. And don't mess with the Muslims on this; they'll just kill you if you disagree. And definitely don't mess with men of a certain age who love Muhammad Ali on this. And trust me, they love him. And if you disagree, they'll yell at you. A lot.
- Serena Williams. Definitely don't mess with the feminists on this one; they'll just kick you if you disagree. And Serena just wins. And wins. And wins. And will continue to win for the foreseeable future. And with an attitude as big as her big, beautiful booty. If you're into that kinda thing.
- Wayne Gretzky. Michael Jordan fans are going berserk, but in terms of pure numbers, there's no competition. And numbers never lie. Even if they're Canadian. And no player in the history of any sport ever made anybody around him any better. And no sentence in the history of the English language has ever been that confusing.
- Tom Brady. Michael Jordan fans are going berserker, but they can go berserk all they want. And the Joe Montana fans can stick it up their bleep. But consider: Bill (not to be confused with Joe) Walsh, Jerry Rice, Dwight Clark, Rodney Craig, Ronnie Lott, et.al., et.al. And 5 Super Bowl wins is more than 4 Super Bowl wins. Do the math.
- Michael Jordan. No contest there, in terms of hoops, but honorable mention must be given to old-schoolers Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell and Oscar Robertson, and mid-schoolers Larry Bird and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and a sympathy mention to Magic Johnson. That dude's lived with HIV. For like 25 years. And yet, he's still winning.
- Michael Phelps. What, he doesn't count because we forget about swimming except for every four years? That dude's won the most gold ever, and may win more. And he's never vandalized a Brazilian bathroom, or lied about it. And, he loves to bong the Gold Kush. (Imagine the lungs on that guy; no kush left for you or me, or anybody.)
- Jack Nicklaus. Yes, Tiger Woods had the most dominant years ever, in the hardest sport ever, ever. Except for the Golden Bear: more major titles, and 19 second place finishes. That dude never quit. And, he preferred french toast. And, he was as likeable as he was ruthless; not quite Arnie-likeable, but pretty darn likeable.
- Pele. Best player ever in the most popular (and arguably the best) sport ever. But hey, this is the USA! And, the dude's a total sell-out now. He'll endorse anything. If you wanna sell crack, he'll get back to you on it. We would never do that in the USA.
- Roger Federer. At some point, the E.U. will accuse us of pro-Americanism. And those pussies will use tennis to prove their B.S. argument. Regardless, that dude's the best ever. (And this past Australian Open proved it.) Sorry Sampras, but you're falling down the ladder quick. And the Graf-Agassi's better produce. For us. Quick.
- Dale Earnhardt. Long live that man. How many dudes have actually died for the sport they loved? Not many, not since the Spartans, anyway. And they lived to die fighting. And Dale was from that exact same stock... He left us on his shield, not carrying it.
1In my most humble opinion.
Dear Friends: My mom is awesome. How awesome is she? Super-awesome. As in, one of her greatest character traits I remember from growing up, and still to this day, is that no matter what, if she hears somebody disparaging another person, justly or unjustly, she will defend that person. Vehemently. Friend or foe. (She has no foes, because she's awesome, but if she did, and heard they were being disparaged, she'd defend them. Vehemently.)
My mom also has a sense of humor. So you can imagine how funny it was to hear a few of her responses to her phone-circle of idiot-liberal pro-Iranian anti-American friends and family (extended family), who, upon hearing the 9th circuit court upheld the ruling opposing President Trump's executive order on immigration-extreme-vetting (aka the travel ban), they were all celebrating.
Now, for clarity, let's define idiot-liberal pro-Iranian anti-Americans by their given name: progressives. (Progressives are a subset of liberals; that is, all progressives are liberals, but not all liberals are progressives. Thank God. Whom they do not believe in (progressives, not all liberals), which makes them idiots. Because as the old saying goes, if you don't believe in God, you better be right.)
And yet, they're still my mom's friends and family (extended), because she loves them all. Her secret is: they may not love her quite the same anymore, because she supported and supports President Trump's vision to make our country safe and prosperous again, but that doesn't bother her. She loves them anyway. Because she's awesome.
And so, to my mom's phone-circle of idiot-liberal pro-Iranian anti-American friends and family (extended), if you ever read this, which I hope you do, please know that it's because my mom is awesome. And you, my mom's phone-circle of idiot-liberal pro-Iranian anti-American friends and family (extended), are not.1
All of which reminds me of a conversation I had many years ago with a cousin, said cousin being an idiot-liberal pro-Iranian anti-American, who lived then and lives now safely and prosperously in this country, and as a citizen, which went basically like this:
- Him: I hate America.
- Me: What?
- Him: I hate America.
- Me: Why?
- Him: Because I hate America.
- Me: So leave.
(No response. End of conversation.)
And this was when, as a country, we were still being civil. Today, I can imagine a similar conversation going something more like this:
- Can you tell us why you hate America?
- Because America sucks.
- How so?
- America is full of imperialist-colonialist-fascists who drive SUVs.
- But you drive an SUV.
- Yes, but I'm a progressive.
- What does that mean?
- Progressives drive SUVs as a statement of protest.
- What are you protesting?
- What are you protesting, specifically, by driving an SUV?
- How about one specific example?
- What about them?
- We drive SUVs to protest SUVs.
- Well, why didn't you just say so?
- I just did.
- Fine. Let's move on.
- Why not?
- I'm done talking to you.
- Talking to conservatives causes global warming.
- Say that again?
- Talking to conservatives causes global warming.
- How so?
- Are you deaf? It's a scientific fact that talking to conservatives causes global warming!
- Is that why you recently banned Breitbart editor Milo Yiannopoulos from speaking at Berkeley?
- Can you expand on that?
- He came to speak at Berkeley, which made us burn cars, which causes global warming!
- Did you burn SUVs?
- No. Prius's. They're pieces of bleep anyway.
- Does it matter that Milo Yiannopoulos is a gay immigrant?
- Not if he's a conservative.
- How so?
- Talking to conservatives causes global warming.
You get the picture.
1My mom would not approve of my calling anybody not awesome.2
2Because she's awesome.3
3And they're not.