Dear Friends: Karma is truly beautiful. And last night, she was extraordinarily beautiful. Because after an evening's worth of Trump-bashing politics, the Oscars blew their ending. And as anybody who knows movies knows, it's all about the ending. And Hollywood blew it. (A note on that: Jimmy Kimmel did not blow it; he's an extraordinarily funny person, and despite all the Trump-bashing, it was a good-natured show. (As opposed to being Chris Rock-ish-ly angry. He's funny, but angry.) And in that beard, and that looked-as-if-it-was-painted-on suit, Jimmy was also the requisite funny-looking. As all comedians should be. Because nobody wants to listen to a funny super-model.)
So, let's all have some more good-natured fun with Hollywood, by bashing along with Hollywood's Trump-bashing. As such, my personal night began (after asking myself, "Am I really gonna watch the Oscars?") with the following joke: Donald J. Trump is so good at getting ratings, as President or otherwise, he's even helping out the Oscars. And my pre-awards bold-prediction was: Meryl Streep wins best actress, so that she gets a chance to speak. And anyway, Emma Stone is way too lily-white, and looks way too much like a funny super-model.
So let's see what happened (and a spoiler alert: in the spirit of the Oscars, this was drafted last night in real-time, and it may run a bit long, and most of it won't be very interesting.)
Fashion wise, best dress of the night was Jessica Biehls'. Her beautiful gold dress was wrapped so tight, she must be in the re-make of "The Mummy", starring Tom Cruise as The Mummy, and Jessica Biehl all wrapped-up in gold. And Halle Berry, in order to dispute the claims that she's stone-cold cray-cray, went with a hairstyle inspired by Albert Einstein. She must've literally stuck her finger in a thermo-nuclear-electric-socket. And for a long while. But who knows, maybe it's the newest Hollywood therapy, according to Halle Berry. (Not Einstein. He's no longer with us. But his hairstyle survives.) And was there any more awkward moment than Keith Urban holding Nicole Kidman's hand while she was being interviewed, and he looking up at her, okay, maybe not at her, but at the Valentino-inspired halo above her head, for being a movie star, and for being at the Oscars, and for making it all look like such a drag. Come on, Nicole. Give us a break. And yo dudes, what's with the skinny suits? We all get it, dudes, that you're all skinny. And all totally cool. But please, wear a baggy bleeping suit. So the rest of us normal dudes have even a minuscule chance at a date with Kirsten Dunst. (In my opinion, she was the most beautiful movie star of the night, in that simple, elegant, just off the rack dress. Bravo, Kirsten, Bravo.) Incidentally, the next most beautiful movie star may have been Charlize Theron, even if she recently dated Sean Penn. And next may have been Emma Stone, even if she is way too lily-white and way too funny super-model-ish to be taken seriously.
And this was all still on the red carpet. (Side-note: was Dakota Johnson going for the nun-wrapped-in-gold look? Not a good look. But, she definitely succeeded in it. And as for the Velvet-brothers, Strahan and The Rock, Costanza should sue them for velvet-appropriation. And marketing-wise, apparently The Rock will reprise the Hasselhoff role from "Baywatch". And as Pamela Sue Anderson: Pamela Sue Anderson, as The Bionic Lifeguard. The plot-line: she's had $6,000,000 worth of plastic surgery. Paid for by Hasselhoff. But not The Rock. The Rock has actual standards.)
Back to fashion, Naomi Harris. Was she wearing some fashion-designer's rubber-fetish? Certainly looked it. Again, not a good look, unless you're into that kinda thing. And Charlize Theron is picking up speed, like Kurt Busch at the Daytona 500, as the movie star I'd give my left nut to date. But hey, I'd still have the right one. And maybe another date with the beautiful Charlize Theron. (I heard she's not that picky. And Sean Penn proves it.) And Emma Stone is still right there. She actually rhymed a dumbass rhyme, while everybody in the entire bleeping world was looking at her, and judging her, and she still managed to pull off that dumbass rhyme. But of course, is was still only a lily-white funny-super-model-ish rhyme.
And then... the show actually starts, with NSYNC. It must be amazing to all of Hollywood that they're still out there, and still lip-syncing, and still totally in sync.
And then... Timberlake keeps singing. And the stars all start dancing. And all of it as if sponsored by the Sinaloa Cartel: the cartel of choice, when you're in Hollywood.
And then... a sitting ovation for Jimmy Kimmel. Best opening line ever, maybe, which he follows up by bashing President Trump, by bashing Mel Gibson, and bashing Scientology. That's basically the Hollywood trifecta.
And then... the Kimmel vs. Damon pseudo-feud. Matt is fat, and selfish, and gave away "Manchester by the Sea" to do a Chinese ponytail movie. Which lost $80 million dollars. (Except China manipulates its currency, so it actually made $80 million dollars, of our money, in our dollars.)
And then... surprise ending! I have so much more written, but I'm not gonna bore you all with any more of that Hollywood bull-bleep. Because let's face it: Hollywood is full of the most-talented, least-educated, least-intellectual, most-self-important people on earth. Which although quite the feat, is really not worth writing about. And as for this post, sequels are rarely worth the effort, and hey, we're not writing "The Godfather" here. And after all was said and done, Hollywood blew their ending. And audiences only ever remember the ending. And clearly, the most beautiful of all the beautiful ladies at the Oscars was named Karma.