Dear Friends: Call it deja vu. Or, if you're a non-tweeting populist blue-collar football fan, call it groundhog day. But it seems that every bleeping February, Tom Brady (and that pesky Belicheck-led Patriots team) wins another bleeping Super Bowl. And this time, in legendary (and over-the-top) comeback fashion. And this from a dude who wears Uggs. Voluntarily. (Really, Tom? Come on, man. There's whipped, and then there's Ugg-whipped.)
And, in a love-to-hate-em Mad Libs moment, fill in the blank(s): Tom Brady is a _____________, or, he's a ______________ _______________!
(And, a quick side-note: I was reading a newspaper article recently, on actual news-paper, and was struck by the commentary of an old-school journalist who described the old-school method of using a folded piece of plain-white paper, folded in a special way, for note-taking. Try it. It works. Unless you're some sorta paper-vegan.)
As such, I present you with a personal best-of top-ten list: The All-Time Greatest Athletes: Ever.1
- Muhammad Ali. Argue all you want, but he was the greatest athlete ever. Even he thought so. And don't mess with the Muslims on this; they'll just kill you if you disagree. And definitely don't mess with men of a certain age who love Muhammad Ali on this. And trust me, they love him. And if you disagree, they'll yell at you. A lot.
- Serena Williams. Definitely don't mess with the feminists on this one; they'll just kick you if you disagree. And Serena just wins. And wins. And wins. And will continue to win for the foreseeable future. And with an attitude as big as her big, beautiful booty. If you're into that kinda thing.
- Wayne Gretzky. Michael Jordan fans are going berserk, but in terms of pure numbers, there's no competition. And numbers never lie. Even if they're Canadian. And no player in the history of any sport ever made anybody around him any better. And no sentence in the history of the English language has ever been that confusing.
- Tom Brady. Michael Jordan fans are going berserker, but they can go berserk all they want. And the Joe Montana fans can stick it up their bleep. But consider: Bill (not to be confused with Joe) Walsh, Jerry Rice, Dwight Clark, Rodney Craig, Ronnie Lott, et.al., et.al. And 5 Super Bowl wins is more than 4 Super Bowl wins. Do the math.
- Michael Jordan. No contest there, in terms of hoops, but honorable mention must be given to old-schoolers Wilt Chamberlain, Bill Russell and Oscar Robertson, and mid-schoolers Larry Bird and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and a sympathy mention to Magic Johnson. That dude's lived with HIV. For like 25 years. And yet, he's still winning.
- Michael Phelps. What, he doesn't count because we forget about swimming except for every four years? That dude's won the most gold ever, and may win more. And he's never vandalized a Brazilian bathroom, or lied about it. And, he loves to bong the Gold Kush. (Imagine the lungs on that guy; no kush left for you or me, or anybody.)
- Jack Nicklaus. Yes, Tiger Woods had the most dominant years ever, in the hardest sport ever, ever. Except for the Golden Bear: more major titles, and 19 second place finishes. That dude never quit. And, he preferred french toast. And, he was as likeable as he was ruthless; not quite Arnie-likeable, but pretty darn likeable.
- Pele. Best player ever in the most popular (and arguably the best) sport ever. But hey, this is the USA! And, the dude's a total sell-out now. He'll endorse anything. If you wanna sell crack, he'll get back to you on it. We would never do that in the USA.
- Roger Federer. At some point, the E.U. will accuse us of pro-Americanism. And those pussies will use tennis to prove their B.S. argument. Regardless, that dude's the best ever. (And this past Australian Open proved it.) Sorry Sampras, but you're falling down the ladder quick. And the Graf-Agassi's better produce. For us. Quick.
- Dale Earnhardt. Long live that man. How many dudes have actually died for the sport they loved? Not many, not since the Spartans, anyway. And they lived to die fighting. And Dale was from that exact same stock... He left us on his shield, not carrying it.
1In my most humble opinion.