Dear Friends: Bond. James Bond. That's what the J. in our President Donald J. Trump stands for. James. Bond. And pay attention here: He wears the white hat.
And in the blue hat, Barrack H. "B." Obama. The H stands for Hosein. The "B" stands for Blofeld. Hosein Blofeld.
And in the red hat, Vlad "the H. B. impaler" Putin --
Wait. How did that happen? What's this whole thing with the red hat? Did our President Trump sell the rights to the red hat to the impaler? Or did the impaler sell the rights to then candidate Trump? Enquiring minds want to know. So where the hell are ya, Chelsea?
(She's probably at
the Clinton Foundation's her $50,000/week Hampton beach pad, prepping for a grueling semester teaching all that Ivy League talent how to journalize. She calls it her August recess, starting in July.)
Whatever. Let's get back to that red hat story. Is it just a coincidence? Or is Theodor Geisel involved? (Geisel. Theodor Geisel. Another world-famous unknown spy. He always took his martinis fried.) Because there's just no other possible reason the Republican Party's hat would be red --
Whoa. This thing is deeper than we all thought. Is it possible Putin has been a spy all along? Since back when the Republican Party started? And he's actually John Wilkes Booth? And he's been toying with the world ever since, pretending to be a communist, as the world's foremost capitalist? And here comes this new guy on the bloc, this President Donald J. Trump, wanting to expand his already vast bloc?
"O. M. G." says Putin, with sudden realization. "Republicans are all communists in disguise. Just look at the hats. They're all red. I'll have to discuss going into the red hat business with code-name DJT."
Let's get back to the actual business at hand, Trump v. Putin: There was a handshake, and eye contact, and an offer to trade wives. Then Putin laughed, and released the handshake. (But the offer clearly remained on the table.)
(Note: President Trump didn't quite realize the offer, until First Lady Melania translated it for him. She's quite fluent in Putin and other eastern bloc humor.)
Duly informed of this opposition research, President Trump's return gambit was Venezuela: "You can have it, Vlad. But we're taking back Cuba."
Putin laughs, and says, "Dah."
"Vlad, I like you. You're tough, like me. But it wasn't a dah-nah question."
President Trump pulls out his cellphone, and starts to --
"Okay, Donald. You vin."
President Trump slips the cellphone back into a pocket, smiles, and says, "Good."
"So what's the password?"
"Yes, Vlad. The password."
"This'll be easy."